How Did I Turn 50 Already? 我怎麼就50歲了？
I've been thinking about this for quite some time.
I'm 50. So, what now?
First of all, I feel fortunate to have lived for half a century in this world. When I really stop to think about it, reaching this point in life is not something to be taken for granted.
And yet, when I look back on the past 50 years, everything seems so distant, even a little unfamiliar. Almost as if the life I am looking back on belonged to someone else.
Perhaps it is because, when I turned 40, I had already made a conscious effort to sort through the experiences of my past. What remained, it seemed, were only traces of feelings embedded in my body, perhaps even deep within my cells.
This is how I have come to understand my own experience. Some memories leave a deeper imprint than others. The emotions hidden in the subconscious can be buried so deeply that they are never quite dealt with.
Now, at 50, these lingering feelings have begun to resurface, sometimes in the middle of the night, through my dreams. There is no avoiding them. Perhaps this is another opportunity to face them and sort through them once more.
One thing that feels different about turning 50, compared with 40, is that some of the darker, less agreeable parts of my own character have begun to surface.
It feels like crossing a threshold, one that leaves me with little choice but to confront parts of my past that I would rather not revisit: mistakes I have made, people I have hurt, moments when I lacked the courage to face life, and all those complicated, calculating thoughts and hidden motives that once occupied my mind.
To face my own imperfections and shortcomings honestly, and truly come to terms with them, seems much harder than simply letting go of unpleasant memories.
Perhaps this is what they call the dark night of the soul.
Having lived through the first half of my life up to 50, I must admit that I have little desire to look back.
What I really want to know is: how should I live the years ahead?
It sometimes feels as though one foot is already in the grave. With age come a fading youth, declining physical strength and a less reliable memory. Does life inevitably become a downhill journey from here?
How do I find the courage to face this stage of life, and to embrace a chapter that could come to an unexpected end at any time?
At this point, a question posed by Mingyur Rinpoche gave me a reason to pause and reflect.
If I were to die tomorrow, how would I feel today, at this very moment? Would I have any regrets?
And then, to ask myself another question: If I were not going to die tomorrow, how would I want to live the rest of my life?
Perhaps these are not particularly new questions. Yet how often do we truly sit down, give them serious thought, and try to find an answer?
What about you?
Are you also at a certain stage in life where, somewhere deep inside, you know that it may be time for a change?
~ The article was originally written in Chinese, & Ai translated
關於這件事，我想了很久。
50歲，然後呢？
首先，我覺得自己很幸運，竟然能夠在這個世界上活了半個世紀。真正想起來，這並不是一件理所當然的事。
然而，回顧過去50年的人生，卻感覺一切都很遙遠，甚至有些陌生，彷彿那並不是自己親身經歷過的人生。
或許是因為在40歲的時候，我已經有意識地把過去種種經歷整理了一遍。留下來的，似乎只有一些殘存在身體裡、甚至深入細胞的感受。
這些是我自己的體會。那些影響比較深遠的記憶，以及潛藏在潛意識深處的情緒，因為藏得太深，當時並沒有真正被整理好。
到了50歲，這些殘留的感受，又在午夜夢迴時慢慢浮現。不得不面對，也趁著這個機會，再重新梳理一遍。
50歲和40歲不一樣的地方，是那些藏在性格深處、不太願意面對的陰暗面，似乎也開始浮現了。
就像跨過了一道坎，不得不重新面對那些連自己都覺得不堪回首的過往：曾經做過的錯事、對不起的人、面對生命時的怯懦，還有那些千迴百轉、充滿算計的小心思……
坦然面對自己的不完美與缺失，並且真正把它們消化掉，似乎比單純丟掉不好的記憶還要困難。
這或許就是所謂的「靈魂的暗夜」。
走過50歲的前半生，坦白說，我並不想回頭。
我更想知道的是，接下來的人生要怎麼過？
一隻腳彷彿已經踏進了棺材裡。面對年華老去、體力衰退、記憶力變差，人生似乎就只能一路往下走？
我要如何鼓起勇氣去面對，去開啟這段不知道什麼時候會突然結束的人生？
就在這個時候，明就仁波切提出的一個問題，讓我有機會停下來，好好想一想：
如果明天就要死去，今天、此時此刻，自己的感受是什麼？有什麼遺憾嗎？
然後再問自己：如果明天不會死，那麼，接下來的人生，我又想怎麼過？
這樣的問題，或許並不新鮮。然而，我們很少真正坐下來，認真地思考，並且給自己一個答案。
你呢？
是否也正走在人生的某個階段，心裡隱約知道，是時候做出一些改變了？
